Chicago 근교에 살다가 올 봄에 Nashville, Indiana 로 이사간, 친구 Clara에게서 편지가 왔다. Clara는 나의 학교 친구인데, 성격 좋고, 활발하고, 또 믿음도 좋은 친구다. 내가 한국을 떠난 후 연락이 끊겼다가, 십 여 년 전부터 간간히 전화로, 이메일로, 우편으로 연락을 주고 받는 좋은 친구다. 나처럼 CPA 자격증도 있는 똑똑한 친구가 전업주부가 되어 남편 내조와 아이 양육에 바쁜 줄만 알았더니, 그렇게 바쁘다던 친구가 Prison Ministry 를 하고 있었다...... 옥에 갇힌 자를 돌보라는 예수님의 말씀을 실제로 행하고 있었다...... 내 친구 Clara 는, 부당한 판결을 받고 복역하고 있는 미국인 자매를 위해, Petition Drive 를 시작했는데, 우선 Clara 가 구명 운동을 벌이고 있는, Anastazia "Annie" 자매의 편지를 여기에 싣는다. 편지의 내용이 좋아서 밑줄까지 쳐가며 두 번을 읽었다. 친구를 통해, 옥중에 있는 한 영혼도 너무 소중하다는 것을 새삼 깨닫게 해 주시는 하나님 아버지께 감사드리며, 이 글을 읽는 분들께서도 Annie 자매와 친구 Clara 의 사역을 위해 기도해 주시길 거듭 부탁드린다.
A Message from Anastazia Schmid on November 24, 2013
from Women’s Prison in Indianapolis, Indiana
There is a gift within every moment, yet how often do we miss the gift because of the package? And how often do we neglect expressing gratitude for our blessings that fall to the wayside of our perception because they become the norm mundane, taken for granted? In the blink of an eye the world as we know it can change. Maybe we caused that change, maybe it occurred due to circumstances beyond our control, or maybe it’s simply because a shift in our focus and perception occurs.
Regardless of the reason, this becomes most prevalent when we can apply the old adage “don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” to the situation. I think about the lessons I’ve learned in life & how I’ve come to appreciate the gifts & miraculous blessings that have derived even under the worst of circumstances-some I could only acknowledge in retrospect.
I never knew how fortunate I was to have a pair of socks until I spent 3 days alone, stripped naked inside a freezing jail cell. My toes turning purple, so cold I could no longer feel them, sobbing from the pain of cold in my body parts I could no longer feel-I prayed to any & every God for an end to that misery. In the grand scheme of things, not having a pair of socks was the least of my problems-yet in the moments of that physical pain & torment, there is scarcely little else a mind can acknowledge. How can we, as a society, ever expect more from those who cannot so much as meet their basic needs of survival? A hungry child cannot focus on academics. I was living the base level of Manslow’s hierarchy of self-actualization without realizing it-incapable of higher thought or self ｅxpression while my basic needs were deprived. But oh the intensity of gratitude that washed over my entire being, bringing me both to my knees in reverence & moved to tears once there were socks upon my feet once again!
I often wonder what causes people to find charity in their hearts (or wallets) during the holidays, yet neglect their neighbors, classmate, family member, co worker, or people across town every other day. As we enter the dark season of the year, I reflect on our ancestors who relied on the land & each other for survival. Feasting & sharing the bounty of the harvest in reverance for the blessings of the land, & gratitude & that there was enough for all to share. Prayers spoken for blessings to continue so another winter in the cold dead season the people & animals would survive..
Why are people starving & suffering still in the day & age of opportunity, convenience & plenty? I challenge you to pull out a paper & pen. Make a list of the ten things in the world that you find the most deplorable- absolutely intolerable & unacceptable. Really reflect on this list. Now cut it down to five things. What’s left? Poverty? Child abuse? War? Ignorance? Cut the list down further maybe to just one or two things-the worst of the worse. Now ask yourself-“what am I doing to contribute to this problem? “ or “What can I do to alleviate this problem?”
We can change the world by changing ourselves & by doing whatever small part we are capable of doing to assist others. We do this, not by focusing on what’s wrong, but by focusing on what’s right, by sharing our strengths, talents, gifts, & blessings. Mother Theresa once said she would never attend an anti-war rally, but call her for a peace rally? She understood that we achieve what we want by focusing on what we want rather than fighting against what we don’t want. What we resist persists. I too have come to understand this & strive to live my life by the immortal words of Gandhi-“we must become the change we want to see in the world.”
I believe that often times the problem-whatever it may be-falls not in that we are lacking love or concern for one another, but that we lack love & concern for ourselves. There can be no help for others when we fight against internal war fare. A perpetual fear that we are broken, flawed, lost, unworthy, unlovable, different, ugly, not enough, too much, need more, want more, need less, want less, not right, better, worse, on & on & on adna useum! Constant comparison, constant crawing- for anything, & everything other than what we are, what we have, where we are, who we are. What if, for one moment, this moment, we allowed ourselves to fully & completely love & accept ourselves exactly as we are?
If we allowed ourselves to believe we are where we are meant to be in this moment? That in this moment-no matter what it is, or isn’t –there is a gift, a lesson to be learned, a blessing. In this moment, you are an ｅxpression of Divinity & a part of God’s plan-even if you cannot see the “Big Picture.” The Buddha taught that suffering comes through attachment-holding onto things in an illusory & ephemeral world. We suffer & experience misery focusing on two things that do not exist- the past & the future.
The past is unchangeable & gone forever & tomorrow isn’t guaranteed-so while our minds & hearts are in either of those non existant places, we miss the beauty & the blessing right in front of us, the opportunity to share our unique God ｅxpression with those around us & within the environment we’re
currently in. Whatever our futures hold will depend upon what we choose to do (or not do) in the here & now. We have the power to create Heaven on Earth by the choices we make NOW! In every moment we are either teacher, student, the object of the lesson, or a combination thereof. The power to change the world comes first & foremost by changing what we choose to focus on, & how we choose to see it.
Happiness is a choice. Peace is a choice. Fill in that blank however you wish, it’s still a choice. If something is not as you wish for it to be, then what can you do to change it? If there is nothing, then how can you change the way you look at it? The proverbial “is the cup half empty? Or half full?” What if your cup is overflowing? Then share the excess in some way. Or maybe your life is like mine once was-completely empty.
When there was nothing left I reached a moment of enlightenment, an “empty cup” provides room for infinite possibilities! I can choose to fill my cup with whatever I wish. I create art from things other people deem useless. I found meaning & purpose in loss & tragedy. I see the beauty in imperfection. I help repair the broken hearted, lost & destitued by helping others see & express their strengths instead of focusing on the weaknesses.
Sometimes life gives us a whole lot of shit. But even shit serves a purpose – it can make an excellent fertilizer! The catalysis to help things flourish & grow! What do you choose to do with what life gives you? Even in pitch blackness, the dark is overcome by a single spark of light. Christmas is a time we celebrate the return to light-the coming of the Light of World. Jesus said, “All that I have done ye shall do & greater.” Who are we not to let our lights shine & allow our full potentials be expressed in all that we are & do in every moment?
I have learned that it is an impossibility to harm anyone or anything else without also harming ourselves. Likewise we cannot harm ourselves without also harming others. We are all interconnected, & we all possess the capacity & the ability to do either unspeakable harm or unfathomable blessings. I have learned in the midst of heartache, loss, tragedy & complete bankruptcy in mind, body & soul, living destitude in every sense of the word what it truly means to have faith to trust to hope. I once lost everything in the blink of an eye. Yet that was also how long it took to change everything for the better by seeing things in a whole new light.
I teach a voluntary therapeutic creative writing circle to the women I am in prison with. Writing, life experience & wisdom, are a few of my gifts I share. I have learned to be open to the guidance of Spirit to direct me & guide me in helping others. Our writing topics & discussions stem from Divine inspiration.
Tonight I set a large aloe vera plant in the center of our table & asked the women to fully observe & experience the plant, however they chose to –look at it, tough it, smell it, break a piece off & feel it, sense it. After several moments in contemplative silence together with the plant, I asked them to take out their notebooks & pens & write about the experience through the perspective of comparing the plant & their experience with it-to their experience with God or their higher power. I have found, as have the women who join me in these communal circles, that although our experiences & perceptions differ, we all share commonalities of thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes & dreams. No matter who we are, where we come from or why we are here, there are more ways that we are alike than different.
My gift to all of you is sharing a little of my journey, thoughts, belief, wisdom, sharing my heart & mind & my light. It is my hope that my words will envoke thought, change & the desire for you to express & share your unique gifts with the world wherever you are here & now. I leave you with my experience & writing from tonight’s circle on the aloe plant & God experience. May you be blessed & well in all your endeavors & inspired beyond measure.
Aloe
Healing, Regenerative. A little rough on the edges but mostly smooth & lush. Inviting & comforting. It feels interesting-there is a yielding, a “give” within my touch. A piece easily & willingly breaks off in my hands. The cool insides ooze out & absorb into my fingertips. This plant has just become a part of me-it’s life, my life. Healing my self-inflicted wounds. It’s okay that I have taken a piece of it, more will grow, she repairs herself. I notice how content this plant is to be exactly what it is-no more or less, perfect as it is-even in the piece that’s missing, because she willingly sacrificed a part of herself to me to become a part of me. To heal me. Soothe & comfort me. The plant gives off oxygen so that I may breathe, & she sustains her life through the carbon dioxide I expell when I exhale.
We need each other in order to survive-neither can exist-without the other. Yet this plant exists whether or not I choose to acknowledge it. It grows & flourishes, with or without my acknowledgement, or may wither & die. Yet it just may grow larger & more lush if I give it my attention & care. Nurture & Love it-accept the gifts it graciously offers me. Even the tiny sharp barbs along the edges have something to teach me-they remind me of it’s protective properties. I am grateful for all that this aloe plant is & has to offer me & for this moment that she has reminded me that God dwells in ALL things, stop to take the time to notice & appreciate, & tap into the God within.
In infinite Love & Gratitude
In Spirit,
Anastazia Schmid